Tony Cascarino feels a change of nickname may be on the cards for West Ham United, with their ‘Hammers’ moniker feeling pretty ironic on the back of Saturday’s 3-0 trouncing by Wolves.
As far as Cascarino is concerned, West Ham United should now be known as ‘The Caesiums’ rather than ‘The Hammers’.
Caesium, as you might have guessed, is one of the softest metals you will find.
When you put in a performance so abysmally bad that it has a former Chelsea, Millwall and Republic of Ireland striker consulting the periodic table for a fitting insult, that’s when you know things have taken a turn for the worse.
Where will West Ham v Nottingham Forest be WON and LOST? ⚒️
And who needs to step up?
Alan Shearer said West Ham were ‘pathetic’. Upton Park icon Tony Cottee called their Molineux collapse an ‘absolute joke’, albeit one with a punchline darker than even Frankie Boyle’s cruellest jibes.
Nuno Espirito Santo was alarmed, meanwhile, by a complete absence of ‘effort’ against a Wolves side who doubled their points tally in the space of one staggering afternoon in the Black Country.
Speaking from the commentary gantry, Andy Walker felt the ‘awful attitude’ was summed up by Mateus Fernandes losing the ball in his own half and then ambling back as Wolves bared their teeth again. Fernandes has actually been one of the few players to come out of the Nuno era with his reputation enhanced, but even he is now in danger of being dragged down into the mud and nettles.
Lethargy by plague.
Tony Cascarino blasts West Ham United after Wolves embarrassment
Cascarino is long enough in the tooth to remember the West Ham sides inspired by the fierce will and gold-standard quality of Alvin Martin, Tony Gale, Tony Cottee and the dearly-departed Billy Bonds.
How far they have fallen. From Gale to Max Kilman, from Cottee and Martin to Niclas Fullkrug, Konstantinos Mavropanos, Crysencio Summerville and Lucas Paqueta.
“[Wolves were] absolutely, from start to finish, by far the better team,” Cascarino tells talkSPORT, the hosts having raced into a lead after four minutes and killing the game as a contest before half-time.
“Then there’s Nuno’s comments afterwards. [Something along the lines of] ‘I’ve never felt so bad in football. This was embarrassing…’
“Right now, I’m just going to say a few things on this one because I feel I have to. You know, there’s always been a big rivalry between Millwall and West Ham. But you always knew – from Alvin Martin, who I know well, and Tony Gale, Tony Cottee, I used to live close to Billy Bonds – there were standards at that football club.
“And you know, there was a reason that they’re called the Hammers. The ‘Hammer’ is a really strong metal. Yeah? Strong metal. Well, the softest metal around is called Caesium.
“I’m watching ‘The Cesiums,’ because that’s what I’m going to call them. I don’t think you can associate this present team with anything to do with West Ham in the past, the type of players that have represented that football club.
“They were shocking.
“Some of the goals I’m watching go in… Look, you go to the team that haven’t won a game and after four minutes you’re 1–0 down. So, you’ve started poorly. And I don’t mean you can’t go 1–0 down in a game – that happens, I’ve been part of that – but they started so slowly and no one got going in the team.
“I can’t believe what I’m watching with West Ham because I associate that club with tough players. Players that literally would throw their bodies on the line over different decades. And I’m looking at this team now…”
Cascarino says Max Kilman and Lucas Paqueta sum up Hammers decline
You would not get much change out of a £100 million when adding up the fees West Ham paid for Kilman and Paqueta alone.
‘Soft’ is the word Cascarino uses to describe the overpriced duo.
Whether it be Kilman missing simple headers or Paqueta coughing up possession with the most needless of flicks, these two sum up better than anyone the slide towards ‘style over substance’.
Craig Dawson might not have been able to slalom into midfield like Kilman, but how the Hammers could do with their giant former centre-back now.
And, after Pablo Fornals opened up on Paqueta’s arrival and how it led to his London Stadium departure, there are thousands of fans who would happily swap the latter for the former these days.
“I think it was Alan Shearer who said they were ‘pathetic.’ You know, they were that bad to watch. It was just a pathetic performance. If there’s one team this season you don’t lose to, it’s Wolves. And they were smashed!” a bemused Cascarino adds.
“I mean, you can lose to them, but to lose 3–0 in a game where you’re fighting relegation? They have a serious character problem within that group. Now, I don’t know what happens in the dressing room and I don’t know what happens in the training ground, but what I do know is what I’m watching on the pitch.
“I think the lad [Freddie] Potts has done pretty well at times. I think Bowen is easily their best player and always seems to carry the club. Whether he’s captain material, I don’t know, but his performances always feel like he can make a difference in the game.
“[But] I’m watching Max Kilman, they paid £40 million for him… He was close to the England squad at one particular time, you know? And I’m not scapegoating, you could name six or seven West Ham players. Paqueta, I’ve talked about loads of times, I just don’t trust him.
“And when you don’t have trust and you’re a soft, soft team, you’ve got no chance.”
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