Predict the televised games they said. They’ll always be great they said. Welcome to PES Predicts Watford vs West Ham.

I have nothing against either team, I’d just rather not watch them duke it out. They are too mid-table sides going nowhere in a hurry. I like watching Andy Carroll play but even that crumb of comfort seems unlikely to materialise. With that, let’s get on with. We’re at the creatively named “Sports Park” for today’s clash, as Vicarage Road hasn’t made it onto the game yet.

Watford vs West Ham

Peter Drury says he’s looking forward to today’s game. So that’s one of us. Deeney should be in on goal in the first minute but his touch is akin to that of an elephant. Lots of misplaced passes so far, and the first 10 minutes pass by without a shot. I think this is what you call a quota filler. Jim Beglin hasn’t said a word.

“No efforts on target is acceptable if levels of enthusiasm and energy levels are good…but they are not.” There’s Jim! Sticking the knife in to these digital idiots. Deeney scores! It’s out of nothing with the first shot of the game. Good play by Niang, hitting a lot first time cross that caught the defence square. Deeney slid it in from 7 yards or so, a striker’s dream. With 22 on the clock, Vicarage Road is rocking. Well wherever we are.

West Ham haven’t exactly roared back but they do make a good chance. Snodgrass pulling the strings, slides in Ayew who steadies himself and pretends he’s his brother Jordan. It’s 3 yards wide. Still, it’s a shot, and that’s like gold dust in this game. Now we have penalty appeals! The ref doesn’t care. Cresswell crossed and was wiped out afterwards, the type of thing that only ever gets given against you on these games. Anyway, that’s half time. “They’ve showed glimpses of some wonderful football,” claims Beglin, who is presumably off his tits. We’ve had two shots. One went in, one didn’t. Good luck analysing that in the BT studio.

West Ham come flying out the traps second half, Ayew has a volley deflected behind. Noble’s corner is a disgrace. Easy for Gomes to catch on his near post. Now back to aimless passing. Antonio gets half a header on a Lanzini cross, but it’s blocked and barely reaches the goal. I’d count that as a shot. Snodgrass nearly sets Noble up, but that’s blocked too. These Watford defenders don’t know how much I’m struggling here.

DO SOMETHING! Either of you. We’re into the last 15 and you are humiliating yourselves like this on national television. I miss Andy Carroll. Walter Mazzarri, or rather his unlicensed digital equivalent, looks bemused on the sidelines. Bilic’s whereabouts are unknown. West Ham have got Reid and Fonte up front basically now, pumping long balls into the box that are easily dealt with by Watford. It’s terrible. It’s awful. It’s full time.

Jim says the clean sheet was key to the win. Genius. Watford scored with their only shot, in fact the only shot on target in the whole game. Deeney gets man of the match as he diverted his only touch of the game into the net. Well done Troy. It was a stinker, I hope PES is wrong or it’s a disappointing match on Saturday night.

PES PREDICTS: Watford 1 – 0 West Ham